THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN ON MY MIND

1. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE FRIEND GM NEEDS A FRIEND GM?
2. CHANGE IS INSTANT, WHAT TAKES SO LONG IS THE COURAGE TO FACE YOUR FEARS
3. "YOU KNOW I DREAMED ABOUT YOU FOR 29 YEARS BEFORE I SAW YOUR FACE"—THE NATIONAL, SLOW SHOW
4. LOVE IS EASIER MADE THAN KEPT
5. LOVE IS ONLY CAPSIZED BY FEAR
6. I LOVE MY MORPHSUIT
7. I HATE BIG BEDS
8. I WONDER IF I WILL GET MY HEALTH INSURANCE BACK?
9. WHY IS MY LIFE ALWAYS A STRUGGLE?
10. HOW DO WE AS HUMANS CONSCIOUSLY MAKE THE WRONG CHOICES WHEN WE ADMIT THAT WE KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT CHOICE IS?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJVhZKhZEiI

COULD IT BE TRUE THAT REGRET IS STILL NOT ENOUGH TO CAUSE CHANGE?

TONIGHT MORE THAN EVER IN MY LIFE, I REALIZE THAT I NEED A CHANGE AND IT NEEDS TO START NOW

I HAVE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING ABOUT LIFE AND LOVE A TON LATELY. I FEEL THE PRESSURE AND THE DESIRE TO BE MORE THAN I AM AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. I HAVE LIVED LIFE AND HAVE SEEN MORE THINGS THAN MOST PEOPLE WILL OR SHOULD IN THEIR LIFE TIME BUT IM JUST NOT SATISFIED WITH HOW MY LIFE HAS TURNED OUT. SOME MAY SAY THAT I HAVE THIS AWESOME LIFE WHERE I DONT HAVE TO GO TO WORK EVERYDAY AND I CAN JUST DO WHATEVER I WANT TO ALL DAY LONG. WELL THAT IS SOME WHAT TRUE BUT THE FLIP SIDE OF THAT IS, I HAVE A HEART CONDITION. TO BE HONEST I WOULD GO TO WORK IN A HEART BEAT IF I COULD.

A LITTLE OVER A YEAR AGO I DIED, YES I DIED FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS I WAS DEAD AND EVER SINCE THAT MOMENT I HAVE SEEN EVERYTHING IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT. I VALUE TIME MORE NOW THAN EVER. A DAY FEELS LIKE TEN AND A WEEK FEELS LIKE A YEAR. I FEEL LIKE I AM LUCKY IN THE RESPECT THAT I HAVE A SECOND CHANCE TO DO THINGS RIGHT, AND THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.

I HAVE ALSO BEEN THINKING ABOUT THESE THREE STATEMENTS.

1. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE
2. FOR RICHER AND FOR POORER
3. IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

I HAVE BEEN THINKING... DO PEOPLE REALLY REALIZE WHAT THEY ARE SAYING WHEN THEY SAY IT? CONSISTENCY? COMMITMENT? SELFLESSNESS INSTEAD OF SELFISHNESS?.... WHAT A CONCEPT, RIGHT?

I WONDER IF WE WILL EVER GET THIS RIGHT?

VIA DOLOROSA

I AM LEARNING THAT I SHOULD NOT CARE SO MUCH. I AM LEARNING THAT WHEN I DO I ONLY GET HURT. I AM LEARNING THAT THIS IS MY DESTINY. I AM LEARNING NO EFFORT THAT I PUT FORTH WILL EVER BE ENOUGH. I AM LEARNING THAT LOVE REALLY IS A CHOICE. I AM LEARNING THAT GREATNESS IS ONLY DEFINED BY THOSE AROUND YOU. I AM LEARNING THAT THE TATTOO ON MY LEFT FOOT REALLY IS TRUE.

I GAVE UP NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO, BUT BECAUSE I HAD TO

TRUTH BE TOLD........... IM JUST REALLY TIRED

I USED TO HAVE THIS IDEA, THIS THEORY, THIS CONCEPT THAT "ALL TIMING IS PERFECT, AND ITS JUST HOW WE REACT TO IT." WELL TODAY I HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH MYSELF..... RESPECTFULLY OF COURSE.

IN THIS EXACT MOMENT IN MY LIFE, I WISH I COULD SLOW DOWN TIME

ONLY IN TRUE SACRIFICE WILL YOU FIND LOVE

TIMING IS ALWAYS PERFECT, IT IS JUST HOW WE RESPOND TO IT THAT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

mumford and sons

this is a song called "white blank page" this song really speaks to me

CAN YOU LIE NEXT TO HER
AND GIVE HER YOUR HEART
YOU HEART, AS WELL AS YOUR BODY
AND CAN YOU LIE NEXT TO HER
AND CONFESS YOUR LOVE
YOUR LOVE, AS WELL AS YOUR FOLLY
AND CAN YOU KNEEL BEFORE THE KING
AND SAY IM CLEAN, IM CLEAN

BUT TELL ME NOW, WHERE WAS MY FAULT
IN LOVING YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART

A WHITE BLANK PAGE AND A SWELLING RAGE
YOU DID NOT THINK WHEN YOU SENT ME TO THE BRINK
YOU DESIRED MY ATTENTION BUT DENIED MY AFFECTIONS

LEAD ME TO THE TRUTH AND I
WILL FOLLOW YOU WITH MY WHOLE LIFE

IM CAPTIVATED MY THIS IDEA. BEAUTY DOES EXIST. I FIND YOURS EXCEPTIONAL. THE BEST PART IS I CANT SEE YOUR EXTERIOR.

LAST NIGHT I SAT DOWN WITH MY GUITAR SOME PAPER AND A PEN I DECIDED TO TRY AND FIGURE OUT MY LIFE. I SAT AT MY DESK FOR ALL OF ABOUT 10 SECONDS WHEN I REALIZED THAT................. THEIR IS NOTHING TO FIGURE OUT. I ALREADY KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO, WHERE I HAVE TO GO AND HOW I HAVE TO GET THERE. THEN I REALIZED THE REAL QUESTION OF THE EVENING.....................



WHO IS COMING WITH ME?

COULD IT BE THAT IF FEAR DRIVES OUR VERY BEING THAT WE WILL NEVER KNOW LOVE?

My greatest strength is my greatest weakness. Someday the real me will super seed the idea of me and I will find what I'm looking for

SOMEONE ASKED ME TONIGHT FOR SOME ADVICE ON LOVE. I SAID JUST DO THESE THREE THINGS

1. SHOW UP
2. ACT
3. REPEAT

WHAT IF THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE LOOKING FOR A EPIC SIGN, SOMETHING GRAND, A PERFECTLY ALIGNED SERIES OF EVENTS WE MISSED THE GRAND SCHEME OF A MILLION SMALL EVENTS THAT CREATED THIS EPIC JOURNEY....... SOMETIMES WE JUST NEED TO OPEN OUR EYES, FOLLOW OUR HEART AND REALIZE THAT........... ITS RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSE

HOPE

SOMETIMES IN LIFE WE HAVE TO JUMP HEAD FIRST AND PRAY THAT WE LAND IN WATER. SOMETIMES THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS AND OTHER TIMES WE LAND HEAD FIRST INTO A PILE OF QUICK SAND. I AM IN THE QUICK SAND.

THE HARDER I FIGHT AND THE HARDER I STRUGGLE THE DEEPER I SINK. ITS LIKE IN A DREAM WHEN YOUR FALLING AND THEN YOU WAKE UP... PANIC IS IN THE AIR AND BREATHING BECOMES A THOUGHT INDUCED THING. ITS LIKE LIFE TAKES ITS TOLL AND 65 YEARS LATER YOUR IN A DAZE AND ARE WONDERING WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE TIME. I'M TIRED OF THE STRUGGLE, THE QUICK SAND AND THE FEAR OF FALLING. I'M TIRED OF THE UNKNOWN. I'M TIRED OF WONDERING WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT.......... BUT I'M HOPEFUL AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN I AM HOPEFUL THAT DREAMS DO COME TRUE!

LOVE IS ONLY CAPSIZED BY FEAR

WOW I HONESTLY DONT KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN WITH THIS. I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS IDEA, THIS CONCEPT FOR SOME TIME.

FEAR. WHAT IS FEAR? IS IT THE UNKNOWN? IS IT THE IDEA OF BEING OUT OF CONTROL OF THE SITUATION?

WHEN I THINK OF RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE I THINK OF TWO THINGS. WINNING AND LOSING. I FEEL LIKE WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN YOU ARE ONLY DOING ONE OR THE OTHER. YOU CAN EITHER WIN AT LOVE OR LOSE AT LOVE. I DONT BELIEVE THEIR IS A MIDDLE GROUND.

WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE IDEAS AND STORIES ABOUT HOW RELATIONSHIPS END, AND AFTER I PROCESS THEM IT ALL COMES DOWN TO ONE POINT. ONE LONE IDEA THAT ENDS IT ALL.... FEAR.

WHEN YOU STRIP DOWN ALL YOUR PROBLEMS COMPLETELY TO THE ROOT. WHEN THIER IS NOTHING LEFT. ALL WE HAVE IS FEAR.

SO TODAY I WILL GO AS FAR AS TO SAY THE LOVE IS THE OPPOSITE AS FEAR. NOTHING ELSE CAN BREAK IT DOWN, NOTHING ELSE CAN STAND IN THE WAY OF LOVE.

LOVE IS ONLY CAPSIZED BY FEAR.

TRUTH BE TOLD
I CANT SAY THIS ANOTHER WAY
WHEN I THINK OF YOU
ALL I SEE IS ME
ITS THE STORY OF MY LIFE
I CANT LEAVE IT BEHIND
WHEN I THINK OF YOU
ALL I SEE IS ME

ALWAYS, ALWAYS, BEEN YOU

I DREAM DREAMS THAT DREAMERS DREAM OF

I thought of you today just as the sun broke the horizon.
The first beam of light brushed my eye lids and with every blink I had thoughts of you.
As the sun rose I felt your heart beat upon my chest like a pounding drum in the middle of the greatest concert ever played.
It was warm and the sensation brought tears to my eyes.
Your face was glorious and as I winced to get one last glance, Your beauty……… it blinded me.

I THINK IM GOING TO TAKE A BREAK FROM WRITING. I NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT MY PURPOSE IS

I FIND THAT I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN LIFE.
CAN IT BE THAT WHEN LIFE CHANGES AND WHEN THE CARDS HAVE
BEEN DELT THAT I JUST STARE AT MY HAND WITH A BLANK LOOK UPON
MY FACE?

I SEE STRENGTH IN MY ACTIONS

I SEE YOUR EYES,
WHEN THEY MEET MINE THE SENSATION IS ONE THAT NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE.
AS YOU WALK INTO THE ROOM MY PALMS GET SWEATY, ITS LIKE AN HOUR GLASS IN WHICH THE SAND CANNOT ESCAPE.
YOUR EYES ARE THE WINDOW TO MY SOUL AND I CAN SEE MY FUTURE.
IT TRAVELS BACK AND FORTH FROM YOUR EYES TO YOUR HEART BACK TO YOUR EYES AGAIN.

YOUR PRESENCE FILLS MY BEING LIKE A RAY OF LIGHT IN THE DARKEST ROOM, IT IS UNFORGETTABLE

I CAN FEEL YOU WHEN YOUR NOT IN THE ROOM.

ITS LIKE A PIECE OF YOU IS ALWAYS WITH ME.

THE SIGHT OF YOU SCREAMS MY NAME WITH THE MOST DEAFENING OF SOUNDS.
I CANT HELP BUT LOVE IT BECAUSE THE SOUND SCREAMS YOUR NAME

Tonight I have found new inspiration from just one syllable off of your lips. It was like stars on a clear night dancing in great harmony.

I saw a vision.

One that screamed your name until the depths of the earth. I saw freedom from captivity in a dark and unsure place. Your words they resound like a morning breeze awaking the pastures. I saw your face and beauty blessed my eyes.

Could it be I'm falling for you before I know your name or could your legacy be the story of my life?

I’m not much of a love poet. But if I woke up tomorrow morning and decided I really wanted to write about love, my first poem would be about you. About how I love you the same way i learned how to ride a bike. Scared… but breathless. With no training wheels or elbow pads so my scars can tell the story of how I fell for you.

I’m not much of a love poet. But if I was, I’d write about how I see your face in every cloud and your reflection in every window. You see I’ve written a million poems hoping that somehow you’d jump out of the pages and be closer to me because if you were here. Right now. I’d massage your back so your skin sings songs that your lips don’t even know the words to. Until your heartbeat sounds like my last name. And your smile, like the pacific ocean, I want to drink the sunlight from your skin.

If I was a love poet I’d write about how you have the audacity to be beautiful even on days when everything around you is ugly. I’d write about your eyelashes and how they are like violin strings that play symphonies every time you blink. If I was a love poet I’d write about how I melt in front of you like an ice sculpture every time I hear the vibration in your voice. So whenever I see your name on the caller ID, my heart plays hopscotch inside of my chest and it climbs onto my ribs like monkey bars and I feel like a child all over again.

I know this sounds strange, but every now and then, I pray to God that he turns you back into one of my ribs just so I never have to spend an entire day without you.

And I swear I’m not a love poet. But if I was, my first poem would be about you. And after all of that, she was like, “So how do you feel about me?” I said, “Let’s put it like this. I want to be your ex-boyfriend’s stunt man. I wanna do everything he never had the courage to do. Like.. trust you.”

I THINK IT IS FUNNY HOW LIFE'S TIMING IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT WE HAVE IN MIND.

COULD IT BE THAT TIME AND SPACE HAVE NO RELATIVITY FOR WHAT LIFE HAS IN STORE?

I FEEL LIKE WHEN I PURSUE LIFE I CAN NEVER FIND AND OR ACHIEVE WHAT I HAVE SET OUT FOR, BUT.... THE SECOND I STOP TO TAKE A BREAK, TO CATCH MY BREATH, IT APPEARS RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES AS THOUGH IT HAS BEEN THERE ALL ALONG.

I HAVE FOUND THAT NO WORDS THAT COME FROM MY TONGUE MATTER.....

EVEN WORDS OF TRUTH, FORGIVENESS, SELFLESSNESS,AND HOPE.

I HAVE FOUND THAT MY ACTIONS ARE USELESS. I HAVE FOUND THAT MY HONOR IS NOT JUSTIFIED.

I HAVE FOUND THAT LOVE IS ONLY CAPSIZED BY FEAR

I disappeared in broad daylight. Your shadow overpowered all that I had left

Today i was inspired by a two year old. Strength is not measured by the pounds you press but by the size of your heart.

I LOOKED YOU IN THE EYE, YOU LOOKED ME IN THE EYE, AND THEN WE JUST WALKED AWAY.

CAN IT BE THAT WHEN I SPEAK TRUTH THE OUTCOME IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I INTENDED?
CAN IT BE THAT ALL THE TALES I SPEAK OF, ARE LONELY IN NATURE?
IF TRUTH IS THE WINDOW TO THE SOUL THEN FEEL FREE TO RIP MY HEART OUT OF MY CHEST,

TONIGHT I DANCE THE WALTZ BY MYSELF . IT WAS MAGNIFICENT, IT WAS PURE, IT WAS TRUE.

LATLEY I HAVE FOUND THAT I DONT HAVE MUCH TO SAY.
I HAVE BEEN SITTING AND LISTENING, LISTENING AND WATCHING AND WATCHING AND WAITING.
IM NOT REALLY SURE WHAT IM LISTENING, WATCHING, WAITING AND SITTING FOR, BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT IT IS GOING TO BE BIG.

LIFE IS FUNNY. ONE DAY WE ARE ALL HAPPY AND THE NEXT IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD. I HAVE FOUND THAT I CANT CHANGE PEOPLE WITH THE WORDS THAT COME FROM MY MOUTH. WORDS ARE JUST WORDS, NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS.

I CANT MAKE THE WORLD AROUND ME LOVE ME.

I CANT MAKE THEM CHOOSE TO SPEND THE DAYS WITH ME.

SO FOR ALL OF THAT I SAY THIS.......


I CANT TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE AND LOVE BUT, IF YOU WATCH CLOSELY YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR SELF.

I HAVE FOUND THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING, AND EVERYTHING ABOUT NOTHING.

WHEN I BREATHE YOUR AIR I FEEL ALIVE

ITS BEEN PLENTY OF DAYS NOW
SINCE IVE SEEN YOUR FACE
ITS BEEN PLENTY OF YEARS NOW
SINCE WE HAVE RUN THIS RACE


SO WHY IS IT THAT I
EVERY TIME
MELT AT THE SIGHT OF YOU


I CAN SEE YOUR EYES
THEY ARE THE WINDOW TO YOUR SOUL
AND IM ASKING YOU NOW TO LET GO
WILL YOU? LET GO?


NEW SONG LYRICS

TODAY I AM JUST TIRED..... IM TIRED OF THE WORLD......IM TIRED OF BEING SICK.

I FEEL ALONE, DEPRESSED, AND ANGRY.
I FEEL THE WEIGHT OF BAD DECISIONS ON MY CHEST.
REJECTION IS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW.
I FEEL LIKE IM THE SECOND OPTION.


I CAN FEEL MYSELF RETREATING.
I FIND THAT IM DISTANCING MYSELF MORE AND MORE FROM CONVERSATION.
I LIKE THE QUIET. I LIKE THE CALM BUT I HATE TO BE ALONE.
I FEEL LIKE IM LOST IN THE NOISE BUT I CANT HEAR A SINGLE SOUND

this is how i feel today..........

When I'm back from the road
and you're out on it
& I'm tired of this distance
& I believe it's over-rated.
And this phone tag game is endless
the novelty is wearing
I'm hoping time will pass
without any assistance
or convincing.

Road rules apply
there's so much action,
you're getting busy.
I'll call your cellular phone
to tell you TV night was
lonely without you
& so am I...
so am I.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

So many high points on this last leg.
I can't wait to recount them
it seems like nothing's happened
until I've shared them with you.
The note that you had called
says youre half a day away
& you are heading home
just in time for me to leave.

Road rules apply
there's so much action
I'm getting busy.
So make sure that I'm up to date
on TV night,
I hate to miss out.

I think I miss you most
on Wednesdays
& Saturdays.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

TOUGH QUESTIONS HAVE TOUGH ANSWERS

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I DO THINGS BECAUSE THEY ARE "RIGHT" OR BECAUSE I REALLY BELIEVE IN THEM. I HAVE SOLD MY STORY A MILLION TIMES OVER ABOUT HOW ALL I DO IS WALK AND TALK THE TRUTH, BUT DO I REALLY? COULD IT BE THAT EVERYTHING OUT OF MY MOUTH IS A SHAM? AM I JUST TELLING YOU WHAT I THINK YO WANT TO HEAR? COULD I REALLY BE THE GREAT BETRAYER OF ALL MY FRIENDS AND AT THE SAME TIME BE THIS UNHAPPY?

ITS HARD TO THINK AND TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS EXACTLY THAT WE WANT IN LIFE. THE ROAD I HAVE TRAVELED HAS BEEN DARK FOR A VERY LONG TIME. IN FACT IT HAS BEEN SO DARK THAT WHEN I SEE A GOOD THING, I TURN AND WALK THE OTHER WAY SOLEY BECAUSE I AM USED TO WALKING ALONE. I FIND IT HARD TO LET PEOPLE IN. I FIND IT HARD TO ATTEND FAMILY FUNCTIONS. I HATE DRAMA BUT YET WITH MY ACTIONS I CAUSE IT. I KNOW THAT PEOPLE LOVE ME BUT I HAVE NOT FELT LOVE IN SO LONG.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY THAT THIS WEEK I HAVE REALIZED WHAT I WANT, BUT ITS A SECRET.

HONESTY

TODAY I'M NOT CONVINCED THAT HONESTY IS ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY
I FEEL LIKE WHEN I SPEAK WORDS OF TRUTH I AM DESTINED TO FAIL
I WONDER IF I WOULD JUST WALK AWAY IN A STRONG SILENCE THAT ALL THE WORLD WOULD FADE INTO A DARK ABYSS
SO WITH THAT SAID I WILL REVERT BACK TO WHAT I BELIEVE WHICH IS......

I KNOW NO TRUTH, I ONLY KNOW WHAT I KNOW

MY HEART BEATS SLOWLY WITH HURT FROM LOSS AND SEPERATION
WITH EVERY RISE AND FALL OF MY CHEST THE PRESSURE INCREASES
I HAVE LOVED AND BEEN LOVED AND SO QUICKLY IT CEASES

IF I GAVE IT MY ALL, CAN I GIVE IT AGAIN?

I NOW HAVE A MACHINE THAT KEEPS MY HEART BEATING
THE PRESSURE WAS TO STRONG FOR MY FLESHLY BEING
I HAVE LOVED AND BEEN LOVED BUT SO QUICKLY IT CEASES

I WONDER IF I HAD A DO-OVER IF I WOULD STILL ACT AND REACT THE SAME WAY?
TODAY IM TAKING A VACATION FROM LIFE.

MUSIC

LAST NIGHT MADE ME REALIZE HOW MUCH I MISS MUSIC
THE ROAD, THE LONG NIGHTS, THE WAY YOU FEEL WHEN
YOU ARE WITH FRIENDS DOING WHAT IT IS YOU LOVE



TODAY I FEEL INSPIRED

I ONLY SPEAK WORDS OF TRUTH
IN THOSE WORDS OF TRUTH YOU WILL FIND MEANING
IN THE MEANING YOU WILL FIND HOPE
AND IN THE HOPE YOU WILL FIND GRACE

TO KNOW THE FUTURE WE FIRST MUST KNOW THE PAST

I TEND TO WONDER IF THE WORLD AS I KNOW IT IS BACKWARDS.
COULD IT BE THAT OUR TWISTED NATURE HAS SPRUNG A SURPRISE ATTACK?
I SEE THE WORLD IN BLACK AND WHITE BUT AS EACH DAY PASSES THE GRAYS BECOME MORE DOMINATE.
COULD IT BE THAT WE TURN A BLIND EYE TO EVIL BECAUSE WE ARE AFRAID OF CONFLICT?
WHAT IF WE WOULD LOVE EACH OTHER WITH A LOVE LIKE A CHILD, A SWEET INNOCENCE THAT SCREAMED COMPASSION.
I WONDER IF IN A WORLD WERE WE HAVE SO MUCH, IF WE GAVE UP EVERYTHING COULD WE SURVIVE?

TODAY MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE WEIRDEST DAY OF MY LIFE................... THE SHOCK JUST SET IN.