HAPPINESS IS A MOOD NOT A DESTINATION... MORE TO COME

THE OCEAN IS NOT THAT BIG

MOST DAYS WE LIVE WITH THE DEAFENING SOUND OF SEPARATION UNTIL THE PAIN OVERTAKES US AND WE CAVE. HOW MANY DAYS PASS UNTIL OUR SELFISHNESS IS OVER TAKEN BY PRIDE WHICH IN TURN WILL COLLAPSE WITH ONE BRIEF PASSING OF HOPE? I HOPE WE CAN ALL SEE THIS DAY IN THE MIDST OF OUR JOURNEY, EVEN IF ITS ONLY FOR A SECOND. CHANGE IS ALWAYS INSTANT. ITS FINDING THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THAT TAKES THE LONGEST.

IVE BEEN DANCING WITH TRUST AND HONESTY. FEAR IS ALL AROUND US AND FOR MOST THEY ARE EASILY OVERTAKEN BY IT WITH EVERY PASSING GLANCE. SOMETIMES WE JUST HAVE TO JUMP IN. WE WILL NEVER FIND OURSELVES IF WE LIVE WITH CONSTANT HESITATION.

IN ONE WEEK I WILL BE 31

YES ITS TRUE.... THE BIG 3-1, OH MY! YOU SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS IS, I SET LIFE GOALS AND I ALWAYS SET THEM TO END ON MY BIRTHDAY AND GUESS WHAT?... THEY NEVER COME TRUE. I MEAN SURE, THE SMALL ONES THAT ONLY TAKE FIVE MIN TO ACCOMPLISH DO. BUT IM TALKING BIG TIME BABE RUTH GRAND SLAM GOALS! ARE YOU WITH ME? I HOPE SO CAUSE IM LOST IN THE CONFUSION.

THE PROBLEM WITH THIS IS.... LIFE HAPPENS. ITS ALL AROUND ME AND UNEXPECTED. I GUESS I SHOULD CHANGE THEM FROM "GOALS" TO "DESIRES". MAYBE THEN THE REALISM WILL SET IN.

SO THE QUESTION ALL OF YOU ARE ASKING... WHAT WAS MY BIG GOAL FOR THIS YEAR????? FIRST ONE TO GUESS GETS A PARTY FAVOR

IT CAN MAKE YOU FACE ALL YOU'RE FEARS

WHAT IF THIS WHOLE TIME WE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WE WANTED AND NEVER ACTED UPON IT?

FEAR.... ARE YOU TIRED OF ME TALKING ABOUT IT? I AM...... I AM VERY TIRED OF IT AND YET WE STILL KEEP ON KEEPING ON.

I THINK IT IS FUNNY HOW LIFE WORKS. THE WAY "FRIENDS" COME IN AND OUT OF OUR LIVES. ITS ALMOST AS PREDICTABLE AS A SUNSET.

I DREAM OF A WORLD WITH OUT FEAR. I DREAM OF A TIME WHEN WE CAN SAY HOW WE REALLY FEEL OR BETTER YET ACT UPON IT. IM FINDING IT HARD TO BREATHE SOMETIMES WITH ALL OF THESE SMOKE SCREENS AROUND ME.

I WAS ASKED YESTERDAY...."WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?" TO WHICH I REPLIED...."IM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO IS NOT AFRAID OF LOVE."

I QUESTIONING HONESTY ALL THE TIME. ARE WE WORRIED ABOUT OUR POLITICAL AGENDA THAT WE ARE LYING TO OURSELVES SO OFTEN THAT WE ARE NOT EVEN SURE WHAT THE WORD HONESTY MEANS? I MEAN FOR FIVE SECONDS LETS BE REAL. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME WE SPOKE WITHOUT THINKING OF WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE? WHEN IS THE LAST TIME WE SAT DOWN IF FRONT OF THE MIRROR AND REALLY LAID IT ALL OUT ON THE LINE? I THINK WE LIVE IN THIS "BACK POCKET" STATE OF MIND SO WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE OPTIONS EVEN WHEN WE KNOW WHAT THE REAL HONEST SOLUTIONS ARE. IM CHANGING RAPIDLY AND IM NOT SURE WHO WILL BE ABLE TO KEEP UP

CAN THE HUNTER BECOME THE HUNTED?

I WOULD LIKE TO START THIS BY SAYING... THIS IS NOT NORMAL FOR ME. IM GOING TO TAKE THIS BLOG TO A DEEPER LEVEL THEN I NORMALLY DO. MOST DAYS I USE THIS TO GIVE A WATERED DOWN VERSION OF MY PERSONAL WRITINGS. I TEASER IF YOU WILL, BUT TODAY I FEEL LIKE I NEED THE RELEASE. FTW THIS IS NOT POINTED AT ANYONE OR SPECIFIC LY RELATED TO SOMEONE IT IS A MESSAGE AND A THOUGHT THAT I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT NON STOP FOR MANY MANY YEARS.

NOW THAT THE LEGAL MUM BO JUMBO IS DONE LETS GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

IM TIRED. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. IM TIRED OF BEING "AGGRESSIVE" IM TIRED OF BEING THE "HUNTER" IF YOU WILL. I FEEL LIKE A PUT IN A TON OF EFFORT, TIME AND RESOURCES ALL TO BE TOSSED ASIDE AT THE FIRST SIGN OF SOMETHING BETTER ALL TO HEAR THAT I WAS THE BETTER CHOICE AFTER THE FACT.

I GET THAT I AM SAFE. I GET THAT I AM NOT NORMAL BUT IM TIRED OF ALWAYS HEARING "YOU ARE TOO NICE TO ME" OR " I DONT DESERVE YOU".

AT WHAT POINT DO I BECOME THE "HUNTED"? OR IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

IM LOOKING FOR REAL HONEST TRUE DESIRE.

MOST DAYS I WANT TO GIVE UP.

I GUESS WHAT I AM SAYING IS THAT I CAN DO WITHOUT ALL THE GAMES AND I WISH THAT SOMEONE WOULD CHOOSE ME.

FEAR IS A FUNNY THING. AT WHAT POINT WILL BE NOT BE AFRAID TO TRUST SO I HEARTS CAN DO WHAT THEY WERE CREATED FOR.... LOVE