HAPPINESS IS A MOOD NOT A DESTINATION... MORE TO COME

THE OCEAN IS NOT THAT BIG

MOST DAYS WE LIVE WITH THE DEAFENING SOUND OF SEPARATION UNTIL THE PAIN OVERTAKES US AND WE CAVE. HOW MANY DAYS PASS UNTIL OUR SELFISHNESS IS OVER TAKEN BY PRIDE WHICH IN TURN WILL COLLAPSE WITH ONE BRIEF PASSING OF HOPE? I HOPE WE CAN ALL SEE THIS DAY IN THE MIDST OF OUR JOURNEY, EVEN IF ITS ONLY FOR A SECOND. CHANGE IS ALWAYS INSTANT. ITS FINDING THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THAT TAKES THE LONGEST.

IVE BEEN DANCING WITH TRUST AND HONESTY. FEAR IS ALL AROUND US AND FOR MOST THEY ARE EASILY OVERTAKEN BY IT WITH EVERY PASSING GLANCE. SOMETIMES WE JUST HAVE TO JUMP IN. WE WILL NEVER FIND OURSELVES IF WE LIVE WITH CONSTANT HESITATION.

IN ONE WEEK I WILL BE 31

YES ITS TRUE.... THE BIG 3-1, OH MY! YOU SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS IS, I SET LIFE GOALS AND I ALWAYS SET THEM TO END ON MY BIRTHDAY AND GUESS WHAT?... THEY NEVER COME TRUE. I MEAN SURE, THE SMALL ONES THAT ONLY TAKE FIVE MIN TO ACCOMPLISH DO. BUT IM TALKING BIG TIME BABE RUTH GRAND SLAM GOALS! ARE YOU WITH ME? I HOPE SO CAUSE IM LOST IN THE CONFUSION.

THE PROBLEM WITH THIS IS.... LIFE HAPPENS. ITS ALL AROUND ME AND UNEXPECTED. I GUESS I SHOULD CHANGE THEM FROM "GOALS" TO "DESIRES". MAYBE THEN THE REALISM WILL SET IN.

SO THE QUESTION ALL OF YOU ARE ASKING... WHAT WAS MY BIG GOAL FOR THIS YEAR????? FIRST ONE TO GUESS GETS A PARTY FAVOR

IT CAN MAKE YOU FACE ALL YOU'RE FEARS

WHAT IF THIS WHOLE TIME WE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WE WANTED AND NEVER ACTED UPON IT?

FEAR.... ARE YOU TIRED OF ME TALKING ABOUT IT? I AM...... I AM VERY TIRED OF IT AND YET WE STILL KEEP ON KEEPING ON.

I THINK IT IS FUNNY HOW LIFE WORKS. THE WAY "FRIENDS" COME IN AND OUT OF OUR LIVES. ITS ALMOST AS PREDICTABLE AS A SUNSET.

I DREAM OF A WORLD WITH OUT FEAR. I DREAM OF A TIME WHEN WE CAN SAY HOW WE REALLY FEEL OR BETTER YET ACT UPON IT. IM FINDING IT HARD TO BREATHE SOMETIMES WITH ALL OF THESE SMOKE SCREENS AROUND ME.

I WAS ASKED YESTERDAY...."WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?" TO WHICH I REPLIED...."IM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO IS NOT AFRAID OF LOVE."

I QUESTIONING HONESTY ALL THE TIME. ARE WE WORRIED ABOUT OUR POLITICAL AGENDA THAT WE ARE LYING TO OURSELVES SO OFTEN THAT WE ARE NOT EVEN SURE WHAT THE WORD HONESTY MEANS? I MEAN FOR FIVE SECONDS LETS BE REAL. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME WE SPOKE WITHOUT THINKING OF WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE? WHEN IS THE LAST TIME WE SAT DOWN IF FRONT OF THE MIRROR AND REALLY LAID IT ALL OUT ON THE LINE? I THINK WE LIVE IN THIS "BACK POCKET" STATE OF MIND SO WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE OPTIONS EVEN WHEN WE KNOW WHAT THE REAL HONEST SOLUTIONS ARE. IM CHANGING RAPIDLY AND IM NOT SURE WHO WILL BE ABLE TO KEEP UP

CAN THE HUNTER BECOME THE HUNTED?

I WOULD LIKE TO START THIS BY SAYING... THIS IS NOT NORMAL FOR ME. IM GOING TO TAKE THIS BLOG TO A DEEPER LEVEL THEN I NORMALLY DO. MOST DAYS I USE THIS TO GIVE A WATERED DOWN VERSION OF MY PERSONAL WRITINGS. I TEASER IF YOU WILL, BUT TODAY I FEEL LIKE I NEED THE RELEASE. FTW THIS IS NOT POINTED AT ANYONE OR SPECIFIC LY RELATED TO SOMEONE IT IS A MESSAGE AND A THOUGHT THAT I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT NON STOP FOR MANY MANY YEARS.

NOW THAT THE LEGAL MUM BO JUMBO IS DONE LETS GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

IM TIRED. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. IM TIRED OF BEING "AGGRESSIVE" IM TIRED OF BEING THE "HUNTER" IF YOU WILL. I FEEL LIKE A PUT IN A TON OF EFFORT, TIME AND RESOURCES ALL TO BE TOSSED ASIDE AT THE FIRST SIGN OF SOMETHING BETTER ALL TO HEAR THAT I WAS THE BETTER CHOICE AFTER THE FACT.

I GET THAT I AM SAFE. I GET THAT I AM NOT NORMAL BUT IM TIRED OF ALWAYS HEARING "YOU ARE TOO NICE TO ME" OR " I DONT DESERVE YOU".

AT WHAT POINT DO I BECOME THE "HUNTED"? OR IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

IM LOOKING FOR REAL HONEST TRUE DESIRE.

MOST DAYS I WANT TO GIVE UP.

I GUESS WHAT I AM SAYING IS THAT I CAN DO WITHOUT ALL THE GAMES AND I WISH THAT SOMEONE WOULD CHOOSE ME.

FEAR IS A FUNNY THING. AT WHAT POINT WILL BE NOT BE AFRAID TO TRUST SO I HEARTS CAN DO WHAT THEY WERE CREATED FOR.... LOVE

I GUESS IM STUCK ON THIS SUBJECT. IM HAVING A HARD TIME BELIVING THAT ANYONE BELIEVES THEY DO NOT DESERVE LOVE. I GUESS I FEEL LIKE IT IS SELFISH. ISNT LOVE ALL ABOUT WHO THE PERSON IS AT THAT MOMENT IN THEIR LIFE NO MATTER IF IT IS GOOD OR BAD? DO WE THINK THAT OTHERS CAN ONLY LOVE US WHEN WE ARE AT OUR BEST? I WANT SOMETHING REAL. I WANT SOMEONE WHO SHOWS UP EVERYDAY GOOD OR BAD. I WANT SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE ME WHEN I SUCK.

SO LEAVE THE THOUGHTS BEHIND. JUMP IN THAT POOL HEAD FIRST, BECAUSE LOVE IS ABOUT THE MOMENT AND THE MOMENT TURNS INTO DAYS AND THE DAYS TURN INTO YEARS AND YEARS TURN INTO LIFETIMES.

IM NOT SURE WHERE AND WHEN WE CAME UP WITH THE IDEA THAT WE DONT DESERVE LOVE. IM NOT SURE HOW THAT IS EVEN A FAIR STATEMENT. COULD IT ME THAT WE ARE JUST AFRAID? COULD IT BE THAT WE ARE JUST SELFISH? IM NOT SURE THAT WE GET TO PICK WHO LOVES US.... AFTER ALL IT IS THEIR CHOICE

COULD IT BE THAT WE LIVE OUR LIVES IN SLOW MOTION AND MISS WHAT WAS INTENDED TO BE FAST?

I NEED TO CHANGE MY LIFE ON SUNDAYS. ITS DEPRESSING. I FEEL LIKE IM RUNNING A RACE WITH THE CARROT JUST MILLIMETERS FROM MY FACE. THE CARROT BEING MY DESIRES AND THE RACE BEING MY PATH. I FEEL LIKE I AM STAYING THE PATH BUT THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS ITS NAME.... "VIA DOLOROSA"....... IM FINDING THAT I WANT NORMALCY. A CHANCE TO DO RIGHT WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG.

IM LOOKING FOR QUIET. IM LOOKING FOR RELAXATION. IM LOOKING FOR REAL, MESSED UP OR PERFECT JUST REAL.

I BELIEVE LOVE IS A FAST SONG. IS IT SPINNING ME AROUND AGAIN?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaN_3eXJrwE

I JUST WANT TO CLAIRFY THIS BLOG... IT IS NOT NEGITIVE IN ANYWAY.... IT IS A MESSAGE OF HOPE

SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND

WHEN WILL WE LET HOPE FIGHT FOR OUR TRUST WHICH WILL ERASE OUR FEARS AND THEN ALLOW US TO LOVE LIKE WE WANT?

IM FINDING THAT STRENGTH IS AN EASY THING TO MEASURE. I CAN SEE IT ALL AROUND ME IN VARIOUS FORMS. TONIGHT I SAW IT IN YOU'RE EYES AND IT REMINDED ME THAT ITS OK TO LET OTHERS STAY THE PATH FOR ME SOMETIMES. ITS OK TO BE THE ONE WHO NEEDS HELP. SO TONIGHT I THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THE PATH WHEN I LOST MY WAY.

COULD IT BE THAT FEAR IS THE ONLY BLINDER OUR EYES WILL EVER SEE?

TODAY I FELT THE ICE BREAK. THE SOUND WAS INTENSE AND EXHAUSTING AS I FELT THE WAVE OF THE WATER BELOW ME I KNEW THAT THIS WAS IT.

CHANGE.

IT WAS UPON ME.

ALL MY TALKS OF BEING TIRED. ALL MY TALKS OF CHANGE. ALL MY TALKS OF FEAR HAVE BEEN SURPASSED BY THIS SINGLE MOMENT. ONE TEAR GRAZED MY CHEEK AS I FELT THE WARM RUSH OF ADRENALINE PUMP THREW MY VEINS. IT WAS A WEIRD FEELING. THE LONELINESS WAS WASHED AWAY IN A SINGLE SECOND AND ANGER HAD OVERTAKEN MY SOUL. I FELT CONFUSED, I FELT UNAWARE, BUT MOST OF ALL I FELT DEFEATED.

I AM STRONGER FOR THIS MOMENT. THIS PLACE IN TIME. IT HAS COME AND GONE. I FELL LIKE I HAVE BEEN PREPING FOR IT FOR SOME TIME. STAY THE PATH. VIA DOLOROSA

I FEEL LIKE IM LIVING IN SLOW MOTION AND AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL AS THOUGH I CANNOT CATCH UP. I WONDER IF THIS WILL EVER CHANGE OR AM I LIVING A LIFETIME OF REGRETS WITH NO WEIGHT UPON MY SHOULDERS?

I CAN SEE THE SUNRISE, BUT THE WARMTH NEVER REACHES MY BROW. I CAN FEEL THE SUNSET BUT IT IS A LONLEY PLACE OF DESPAIR.

I FEEL LIKE IM GRASPING AND PULLING BUT ALL I GET IS A HANDFUL OF AIR. THREE A.M IS A DEAFENING SOUND OF SILENCE AND A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT 10 MORE YEARS

I REMEMBER A SIMPLER TIME. A TIME WHEN WE WOULD ACT IN SUCH A WAY THAT WE WOULD JUST BE AND NOT THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING IN GREAT DETAIL. I REMEMBER A TIME WHEN TRUST WAS ALL YOU NEEDED. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT? I STRUGGLE WITH THE IDEA THAT WE OVER THINK EVERYTHING TO THE POINT THAT WE MISS EVERYTHING.

MISTAKES ARE MISTAKES. LIFE IS LIFE AND IT IS NOT ABOUT WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN BUT WHERE YOU ARE GOING. I WONDER IF WE WILL EVER ACCEPT THIS MESSAGE? CAN WE PUT OUR REGRET AND GUILT BEHIND US SO WE CAN PUT OUR FUTURE IN FRONT OF US?

FORGIVENESS IS UPON YOU BUT WILL YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF? I FIND HOPE IN THE FACT THAT ONE DAY MY CONSISTENCY WILL REWARD ME SO UNTIL THEN I WILL STAY THE PATH.

WHY IS IT THAT "SURVIVAL" IS THE ONLY FORM OF LIVING THESE DAYS? SO QUICK ARE WE TO THROW OUR FRIENDS UNDER THE BUS TO JUSTIFY WHAT WE ARE DOING. NOBODY HERE IS JUDGING BUT EVERYONE HERE IS JUDGING.

I CAN FEEL THE WITHDRAW. IT IS LIKE A BORING MOVIE....LONG AND DRUG OUT. I CAN FEEL MY HEART HARDENING AND I DO NOT LIKE IT. I KNOW THE PATH AND I HAVE STAYED THE PATH BUT WITH EVERY PASSING DAY I FEEL MY LEGS WEAKENING TO THE POINT OF EXHAUSTION. I FIND HOPE WITH EVERY LAUGH AND SMILE BUT WHAT I WANT IS SOME SUBSTANCE. A RELEASE....THE FEELING OF CHRISTMAS MORNING WHEN I WAS YOUNG. COULD IT BE THAT IM TAINTED AND MY EXPECTATION IS TO HIGH? OR AM I AFRAID OF WHAT IS NEXT?

STAY THE PATH

I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THIS BUT IM WONDERING IF IT IS WORKING. I AM REMINDED DAILY THAT SOMETIMES THE JOURNEY LASTS WAY LONGER THAN THE DESTINATION, SO THAT IS THE HOPE I AM HOLDING ONTO. COULD IT BE THAT THIS WILL BE THE GREATEST TEST OF MY PATIENTS OR EVEN THE GREATEST TEST OF ALL TIME? ITS HARD TO KNOW YOUR ONE TRUE DESIRE AND NEVER BE ABLE TO GRASP IT LIKE A CARROT IN FRONT OF THE RABITS NOSE. IM JUST GLAD I HAVE LONG ARMS AND STEADY PACE

ITS OK TO THROW YOUR BURRITO AWAY

I WONDER IF LETTING GO IS HARDER THAN LETTING YOUR GAURD DOWN? OR DO THEY GO HAND IN HAND?

MY BACK SAYS IT ALL

WHAT IF BREAKING OLD HABITS WILL JUST LEAD TO NEW ONES? WHAT IF WE NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRUST? IM FINDING THAT TRUST AND FEAR GO HAND IN HAND. IM LEARNING THAT ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO TRUST ME LONG ENOUGH TO HELP YOU FACE YOU'RE FEARS. FEAR IS AN INTERESTING BATTLE. ITS NOT A BATTLE OF GOOD AND EVIL BUT A BATTLE OF HOPE. WHEN WILL WE LET HOPE FIGHT FOR OUR TRUST WHICH WILL ERASE OUR FEARS AND THEN ALLOW US TO LOVE LIKE WE WANT? DONT GIVE UP ON HOPE, ITS ALL WE HAVE LEFT

WITHOUT TRUE SACRIFICE WE WILL NEVER KNOW LOVE

I FEEL LIKE MY MIND IS RACING A MILLION MILES A SECOND AND I CANNOT FOCUS ON A SINGLE THOUGHT. IM FINDING THAT MY EMOTIONS ARE WINNING THE WAR. I WANT PASSION IN MY LIFE NOT EXISTENCE. I WANT TO FEEL THE BURDEN OF ANOTHER FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF RELIEF. I HAVE AN ADDICTION. IM ADDICTED TO SACRIFICE.

I WISH I COULD RECORD YOU'RE LAUGH AND PLAY IT BACK EVERY TIME I HAVE A BAD MOMENT. I WISH I HAD A GIANT P.A THAT I COULD FILL THE AIR WITH IT. I FEEL LIKE IT COULD SAVE THE WORLD, CURE HUNGER AND BRING WORLD PEACE. IN A SELFISH WAY I WISH I JUST HAD IT ON MY IPOD SO I COULD PUT IT ON REPEAT. IT CHANGES ME EVERY TIME I HEAR IT.

SOMETHING I HEARD TODAY AND WANTED TO SHARE

THERE IS NOTHING RATIONAL ABOUT LOVE. LOVE STUDDERS WHEN IT GETS NERVOUS. LOVE TRIPS OVER ITS OWN SHOE LACES. LOVE IS CLUMSY AND MY HEART REFUSES TO WEAR A HELMET

IM NOT CONVINCED THAT LOVE IS A MYSTERY. IM NOT CONVINCED THAT IT IS UNOBTAINABLE. I AM CONVINCED THAT IT IS EASIER MADE THAN KEPT.

I WONDER WHAT MY LIFE WOULD BE LIKE IF I COULD JUST LET MY GUARD DOWN. I LIKE TO THINK I AM AN HONEST PERSON AND WEAR MY HEART ON MY SLEEVE BUT WHAT IF I REALLY JUST LAID IT ALL ON THE LINE? WOULD THAT EVEN BE HUMANLY POSSIBLE FOR US TO GRASP OR WOULD I JUST BE PASSED OVER? I WONDER IF WE AS HUMANS REALLY UNDERSTAND THE WORD
"UNCONDITIONAL"?


COULD IT BE THAT WE DONT UNDERSTAND BECAUSE DEEP DOWN WE DONT WANT TO?

TONIGHT I AM HEARTBROKEN. NOT BY A PERSON BUT BY AN IDEA THAT HAUNTS ME TO MY CORE.

ONLY IN TRUE SACRIFICE YOU WILL FIND LOVE

IM CAPTIVATED BY THIS IDEA. BEAUTY DOES EXIST. I FIND YOURS EXCEPTIONAL. THE BEST PART IS I CANT SEE YOUR EXTERIOR.

WASH RINSE REPEAT

I FEEL LIKE UNTIL THE LAST WEEK OR SO I HAVE FORGOTTEN THE REAL MEANING OF WHAT A RELATIONSHIP IS. I HAVE FORGOTTEN THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. MY MIND HAS BEEN SO WRAPPED AROUND THE CHANGES IN MY LIFE THAT SOME HOW THE BIGGEST FACTOR, THE GLUE WAS JUST TOSSED RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW.

DONT WORRY I FOUND IT..... IT SLAPPED ME ACROSS THE FACE AND REMINDED ME THAT IT WAS STILL THERE WAITING FOR ME.


ITS NOT ABOUT HOW "HOT" SHE IS..... HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE LOOKS WHEN YOU PICK HER UP FOR DINNER..... THAT SHE CAN HANG OUT WITH YOUR DUDES AND HOLD HER OWN..... OR THAT SHE CAN LOOK YOU IN THE EYE WHEN SHE SPEAKS TO YOU....... ALL OF THESE ARE IMPORTANT BUT ITS NOT WHAT KEEPS IT TOGETHER....

ITS THAT SHE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND, WHEN YOU LOOK FOR THAT, THE REST WILL FALL INTO LINE.

IM FINDING WITH EACH PASSING DAY THAT FEAR WILL ALWAYS DRIVE THE HUMAN SOUL. IM FINDING THAT NO WORDS CAN BE SPOKIN IN SUCH A FASHION THAT WE CAN EASE THE FEAR THAT HAS BEEN GROWING INSIDE OF US FOR YEARS AND FOR MANY MORE YEARS TO COME. IM NOT TALKING IN A RELIGOUS SENSE BUT IN A HUMAN SENSE. INSTANTLY I THINK OF THAT FAMOUS QUOTE THAT SAYS. "THE ONLY THING TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF" IN WHICH I FIND VERY TRUE BUT HOW DO WE OVERCOME SUCH A THING?


LOVE IS ONLY CAPSIZED BY FEAR AND THIS IS PROBABLY THE THING I BELIEVE IN THE MOST.

SOMEONE AWESOME SENT ME THIS AND I WANTED TO SHARE

WHEN TAKING IN ANY DETAIL OF LIFE IT IS IMPORTANT TO APPRICIATE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE

NYC

WOW I JUST REALIZED HOW LONG ITS BEEN SINCE I HAVE SIGNED INTO THIS THING. IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM AM I GOING TO ATTEMPT TO CATCH THE WORLD WIDE WEB ON MY LIFE SO I GUESS ILL JUST START WITH THE PAST WEEK OR SO.

LAST WEEK I WENT ON A TRIP TO NYC. IT WAS GREAT TO BE IN A BIG CITY AGAIN FOR MORE THAN JUST FIVE MIN. IT REMINDED ME OF MY LOVE FOR PEOPLE, THE FAST PACE, AND THE INDESCRIBABLE SMELL THAT ONLY SMOG, TRASH, AND URINE CAN GIVE YOU. I FELT LIKE A LOST KID IN A DEPARTMENT STORE. THE EXCITEMENT/ FEAR OF GETTING LOST AND THE FEELING OF WALKING AROUND LOOKING UP WITH YOUR HEAD ON A SWIVEL AND YOUR MOUTH WIDE OPEN IN AW OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS. NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT PLACE IS GIGANTIC AND FULL OF LIFE. WE STAYED IN HARLEM AND IT REMINDED ME OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD. THE ATTITUDES, THE FEELING OF SURVIVAL THAT WAS IN THE AIR.

THE THING I NOTICED THE MOST ABOUT NYC WAS NOT THE GIGANTIC BUILDINGS, THE FASHION OR JUST THE INSANE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE, IT WAS THE WEIRD LOVE THAT WAS IN THE AIR. WITH EVERY TRAIN I TOOK WITH EVERY BLOCK I WALKED AND WITH EVERY MEAL I ATE I COULD SEE PEOPLE IN LOVE AND ACTIVELY SHOWING IT. I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS IN A HIGHER POPULATED AREA THAN THE 419 BUT NONE THE LESS IT WAS RELEVANT. IT REMINDED ME OF SO MANY THINGS. THE THINGS THAT I FIND IMPORTANT. IT REMINDED ME OF SIGNS AND WONDERS. IT REMINDED ME THAT ITS ALWAYS THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT MATTER. I FEEL LIKE I LEFT NYC REMINDED THAT ITS OK TO LOVE AND TO LET IT BE KNOWN. ITS OK TO BE PROUD IN THAT MOMENT AND TO SHARE IT WITH THE ONES YOU LOVE